A depressing kickoff to the morning…well not the kickoff since I was up for a good four hours before the stroke of depression tasks started.
We all know the people in our lives won’t be there forever. Only a person trapped in the world of delusion would think family and friends will survive forever. But knowing doesn’t mean one wants to constantly be reminded that death is an ending (or a beginning) just waiting for you to cross the threshold.
This morning my mother, once again, gave me the “I won’t be here forever” reminder when she asked me to help her do research on some things, and when she told me we would have to sit down and get things together and really talk about “this” as if we haven’t talked about it before. But had we?
We had talked about it but never in so much of a “help me plan” type request as she gave me this morning. I know what her wishes are. I know her will is in place as I did mine at the same time she did hers, but that doesn’t mean I want to have to think of her leaving me.
Sadly, the selfish side of me wants to die before my parents. They are, in my heart and in my mind, my only family. Yes, I have a brother and a sister, and a half brother, but I am not close to any of them. They moved, they never call and over the years, with my moving too, I just accepted the fact that not all families are the Swiss Family Robinson type and I’m okay with that. But my parents, they are the heart of me and I hate death conversations no matter how real I know they are. I could, really die before both of them but I also know that no parent wants to say that final goodbye to their child so it is selfish of me to wish to spare my pain by wishing I could go before both of them, but I guess I’m selfish because I do really wish that.
I love fiction because in fiction everybody can live, even the bad guys, if you want them to. But in reality death is an inevitable fate, a promise that if you were born into this world you will leave it one day.
I miss being a child. Life was so much simpler when my biggest fears were sunflowers and heights.